I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
