dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
