Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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