The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
