considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
