Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Someone shattered a urinal.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
