We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
