i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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