would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
