My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Houston, we have a squirter
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize