I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
