Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
