my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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