I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
