i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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