I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
