I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
