So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
me + whiskey = a bad person
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
