i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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