I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
