So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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