the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
