like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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