I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She bit a glass in half.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize