Your mouth is God's brothel.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
