peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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