i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
