So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
