Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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