mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
