my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
