Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the condom got lost in my hair
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
How drunk are you?
Completed.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
