I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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