please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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