i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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