bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize