I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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