Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
