You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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