How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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