I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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