I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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