I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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