Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize