This is not my ceiling
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
