you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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