I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
now i know why i became what i already was.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
