the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
