My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
