tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
