the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
