I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
