Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Randomize
