Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
