I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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