i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
