I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
